8

Chapter 8: Radar Meets the Beatles

CHARLES EMERSON WINCHESTER, III., & his wife REGINA whom was a nurse of the 4077TH (before He, B.J., & POTTER ever showed up,) were returning from a medical convention of some kind in LONDON. As their TWA flight prepared to touch the runway of JFK AIRPORT, they noticed that the whole field was practically swarming with teenagers screaming out "WE WANT THE BEATLES!" This made poor CHARLES wonder to himself "Whom are the BEATLES?" Then a mop-headed young Englishman answered his question by saying "Hello, there SIR. I'M PAUL McCARTNEY & as to your question of whom are THE BEATLES, well, I'll have you know that THE BEATLES is the name of my rock n' roll group & that I play the bass. Over there are my good friends & fellow band members RINGO STARR, GEORGE HARRISON, & JOHN LENNON!"

CHARLES' mouth dropped open as he said "GREAT CAESAR'S GHOST! Do you mean to tell me that you young gentlemen are THE BEATLES!?" RINGO replied "Quite correct, SIR". CHARLES answered "So that is why all of those teenagers are screaming out there! You're giving a concert! CARNEGIE HALL is gonna have it's walls torn down by a mob of screaming teenagers numbering into the thousands, possibly millions even!" GEORGE replied "On the contrary, old boy. We're gonna appear on "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" as of FEB. 9TH of this year". Now CHARLES was really in shock "If SULLIVAN puts those lads from LIVERPOOL on the air, there'll be no end to what may be called by lots of folks as BEATLEMANIA!" CHARLES was right, but the sight of all those screaming teenagers turned him pail as could be. So as the passengers departed from the gang plank of the jet HONORIA WINCHESTER (now MRS. BLIGHT ADDAMS) managed to get an autograph from THE BEATLES! Finally, when CHARLES & REGINA departed down the gang plank, CHARLES could hardly believe his eyes when he noticed that HONORIA was acting like all those girl teenagers that showed up at the airport! So CHARLES asked her "Why HONORIA, why? I always thought of you as always being a STRAUSS waltz type person. Now you've been bitten by the BEATLE-BUG! I don't know just how you plan to explain this to mother & father, but let it be on your head if they cut you out of their last will & testaments!?" HONORIA replied "Oh, CHARLES! You're such a square, DADDY-O!? & besides, I've already got tickets for "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" on FEB. 9TH, 1964, & they're right in the front row across from the stage, BABY!" CHARLES thought silently to himself "There must be many generations of WINCHESTERS rolling around in their graves in every cemetery & mausoleum throughout all of NEW ENGLAND!" as the train for BOSTON pulled out of GRAND CENTRAL STATION!

Of course, HONORIA had bought enough tickets to fill the entire lower portion of CBS-TV'S famous STAGE 50 from which "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" was always broadcast from every SUNDAY night since 1948. So when CHARLES called HAWKEYE in MINNESOTA to tell him about HONORIA becoming a fan of THE BEATLES, all HAWKEYE told him was "Tell HONORIA that MARGARET & I will be in NEW YORK in time to be seated for ED SULLIVAN! My regards to your parents. ADIOS!" CHARLES said aloud in the living room at 30 BRIARCLIFF LANE "This is nothing more than complete BEATLE madness! First My beloved sister, HONORIA goes BEATLE crazy! Now I've learned that she has mailed tickets to practically all of our friends & relatives to be in the audience of "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" to listen to rock n' roll, British style!" CHARLES was in big trouble when his mother said to him "CHARLES EMERSON WINCHESTER, III.! I'M ashamed to even call you my son with the display of temperament which you've just shown. I mean really, all this fuss because HONORIA broadened her horizons beyond ENRICO CARUSO & those types just to listen to THE BEATLES!? Why don't you check up on some of the patients whom have been asking for you since you left for that convention in LONDON?" CHARLES replied "O.K., Mother. I'll do that right now!" So he went to the hospital to work. Meanwhile, MRS. WINCHESTER (CHARLES' MOTHER) called GRAND RAPIDS, MINNESOTA asking for SIDNEY FREEDMAN. So when he heard of the near breakdown CHARLES almost had SIDNEY said "I'll fly out of DULUTH tonight for NEW YORK, & take the train to BOSTON, & a taxi to your residence, MADAME". MRS. WINCHESTER said "Oh, Thank You. DR. FREEDMAN! I'll forever thankful!" That night in DULUTH, the luggage attendant was putting SIDNEY'S bags onto a cart & SIDNEY said "Thanks for the lift in your patrol car, RADAR". RADAR replied "I'll see you in the audience on SULLIVAN, fellow BEATLES fan!"

Then they quickly shook hands & RADAR drove back to ITASCA COUNTY & GRAND RAPIDS. So when he arrived at 30 BRIARCLIFF LANE in BOSTON, SIDNEY was surprised at the size of the mansion alone! It was up to the WINCHESTERS' butler to pay the cab driver & take SIDNEY'S luggage to the guest quarters. Soon, CHARLES was on the sofa of the den as SIDNEY was asking him what it was about THE BEATLES that he didn't understand. So CHARLES explained away as best he could & finally SIDNEY said "Well, from the looks of things, it seems like you & HONORIA had a failure somewheres in communications! However, you've given your reasons for hating THE BEATLES & now are you certain you don't wanna be one of their supposedly many-splendored fans? Even though, HONORIA also got a ticket for you to sit in the front row of the audience of "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" & everything!?" CHARLES replied "Well, seeing as how you put it that way, SIDNEY. I guess I'll be a BEATLES fan after all. I mean I can listen to BEETHOVEN, STRAUSS, CARUSO, & those classical types anytime in privacy, but I think that I'll join the in-crowd, for the music of THE BEATLES that is! DADDY-O, BABY!"

Well, that certainly changed CHARLES' mind about THE BEATLES, but BEATLEMANIA was also sweeping INDIANA like a tornado in DECEMBER! FRANK BURNS noticed that all of his daughters were now dating boys whom were taking on THE BEATLES mop-topped look! But he didn't like it one single bit, No SIR!!! Well, finally it was FEB. 9TH, 1964 & THE WINCHESTERS & guests were the first ones through the doors of the CBS stage to get to their seats in time! Then it was 8:00 P.M. E.S.T. & the announcer said "Live from NEW YORK CITY! It's "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW" Starring ED SULLIVAN. Everyone's favorite Master of Ceremonies! Tonight we have an assortment of variety acts, including a British rock n' roll group called THE BEATLES! & now the host of our show MR. ED SULLIVAN!" Then ED SULLIVAN said "Good evening, ladies & gentlemen. Boys & girls. Tonight we have in store for you a really big shoe! & we'll start off with that new English singing sensation. THE BEATLES!" Then the lads from LIVERPOOL came on stage & sung their #.1 U.S. BILLBOARD TOP 40 HIT entitled "I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND". Back in FORT WAYNE watching ED SULLIVAN on his TV set was FRANK BURNS!!! And when he saw that these British boys had the same mop-topped looks that some of the local boys were now getting into as a kind of an in-crowd type thing, he started choking and spit BUDWEISER BEER all over the screen when he noticed that HAWKEYE, B.J., TRAPPER, KLINGER, RADAR, SIDNEY FREEDMAN, & POTTER were in the front row of the audience on SULLIVAN! Of course, LOUISE BURNS did not take kindly to FRANK spitting beer on the TV screen in their home, but FRANK replied "HOLY SHIT, LOUISE!!! Just look into SULLIVAN'S audience! It's PIERCE, McINTYRE, HUNNICUTT, FREEDMAN, O'REILLY, KLINGER, and COL. POTTER sitting in the audience of the show watching those trashy young men play that trashy "I WANNA HOLD YOUR HAND" song!?" But when LOUISE BURNS looked at the screen which she just wiped clean of beer stains all she saw was the screaming teenagers in the balcony, & she bellowed "FRANK! It's time you got eyeglasses, because you mistook a group of teenage girls for your ex-army doctors!" If this did not make FRANK feel humiliated, then what else could do it?

Meanwhile, back in NEW YORK as the show closed with THE BEATLES singing "SHE LOVES YOU" which was a big hit in ENGLAND the year before c/o SWAN RECORDS. Special CBS executives lead the WINCHESTER party backstage for a personal meet & greet on a V.I.P. level with THE BEATLES! First in line to shake hands with them was RADAR, wearing his dress uniform of the ITASCA COUNTY SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT. So when he was face-to-face with RINGO STARR, RINGO said to RADAR, "RADAR is a far out name, MAN!" RADAR replied "It's better than my birth name which is WALTER". RINGO replied "You got a good point there, DADDY-O!" When RADAR talked to JOHN LENNON, JOHN said to RADAR, "If we can we'll certainly try talking our booking agent into booking us at the NORSHOR THEATRE in DULUTH!" RADAR replied "I'll be seeing you".

Then RADAR got to GEORGE HARRISON whom said to RADAR, "I sure would like to try tasting the meat of one of those fish they call the NORTHERN PIKE out there in the LAND of 10,000 LAKES where you're from, O.K.!?" RADAR replied "I'll get one for you fellas if you're close to GRAND RAPIDS before the end of the year!?" Finally, RADAR was nose-to-nose with PAUL McCARTNEY whom said "You must be proud to be an AMERICAN law enforcement officer of IRISH decent, even though you come from IOWA & live in MINNESOTA".

RADAR replied "Just drop into GRAND RAPIDS which is the county seat for ITASCA COUNTY & I'll have GOMEZ ADDAMS roll out the red carpet treatment for you fellas at his residence on CEMETERY LANE!?" Then THE BEATLES said in unison "We'll be delighted, RADAR!" So meet & greet lasted for quite a while as the CBS security guys kept the screaming teenagers from the balcony from getting backstage. Then right after MULCAHY had his talk with the boys, KLINGER walked up in his outfit copied from the one LORETTA YOUNG wore in the courtroom scene from the 1939 20TH CENTURY FOX movie entitled "THE STORY OF ALEXANDER GRAHAM BELL" & then JOHN LENNON said "ED, get the photographer over here for a publicity shot of us with DEPUTY KLINGER!" ED SULLIVAN replied "Take a photo quickly, STANLEY!" he told to the photographer which THE BEATLES manager BRIAN EPSTEIN had brought along for this sorta purpose!? Then THE BEATLES were whisked into their limo in the alley as the screaming teenagers broke through the barricade of living security guards! Then with THE BEATLES safely back at their hotel & everyone else scattered about while the WINCHESTERS were riding the midnight train to BOSTON & the MINNESOTA group rode the other midnight train bound for CHICAGO.

At 10:00 A.M. in FORT WAYNE, INDIANA at the local A&P store LOUISE BURNS was looking for her favorite tabloid newspaper when she saw a picture with a headline reading "BRITISH ROCK GROUP MAKE FRIENDS WITH MINNESOTA POLICE DETECTIVE!" & this was the photo that KLINGER posed for with THE BEATLES! Later that day when FRANK BURNS came home from a hard day at the office, he noticed the tabloid on his living room coffee table and yelled "GADZOOKS and HOLY SHIT, LOUISE!!! I was right I did see KLINGER and the others there in the audience of the SULLIVAN show last night! Well, if this doesn't prove that I have no need of any kind for eyeglasses then just what else does, HONEY!!!???" LOUISE replied "FRANK! I finally believe that you were right all along, but please never use profane language in this house!" "Sorry honey. I'll try to be more cautious of my language from now on!!!"