7

Chapter 7: Bloodshed in Dallas

Well, it was election night in ITASCA COUNTY & the voting polls had closed for the evening. Now it was a matter of time before all votes would be officially tallied. RADAR sat in his wing-back chair listening to the returns from the voting precincts when the voice of AGGIE O'SHEA came over the radio & said "Citizens of ITASCA COUNTY. It is unanimous as of now. RADAR O'REILLY has been re-elected to the office of county sheriff here in ITASCA COUNTY, MINNESOTA! Congratulations, are in order for SHERIFF O'REILLY & his fellow army buddies from the 4077TH M*A*S*H from when he served his country during the KOREAN war. I should know because he left there (sometime before I was to do my newspaper article on the 4077TH while helping to transport some wounded there from battalion aid) because of his UNCLE ED'S death. Well, I'd just like to say "Good Luck, RADAR! & keep the Mafia out of our county". This is AGGIE O'SHEA founder & owner of WAOS radio station of GRAND RAPIDS, MINNESOTA signing off for tonight". Before the local papers could arrive to get a word from RADAR he said to his 4077TH friends whom were there with him "If it weren't for the ADDAMS family, I wouldn't have won!" Come the first weekend after the election RADAR was having a talk with GOMEZ ADDAMS as to how the ADDAMS family helped him to win the election by such a great avalanche of votes? Well, GOMEZ said to RADAR "It was quite simple really after taking care of the primary in MAY we prepared with some of the other things that we did in order to help our insurance man LEONARD G. QUIMBY win the city council seat that he has." RADAR asked "Just what sort of campaign strategies did you use?" "Well, we had all sorts of signs with his opponents names on them. The signs said things like, "HILLIARD IS NICE. VOTE FOR HIM TWICE.", "TIPPICANOE & HILLIARD, TOO!", "VOTE FOR HILLIARD. EVERYBODY'S FIEND.", & "SWEEP HILLIARD IN". Of course our butler LURCH went on TV to appeal to the women's vote. Our children PUGSLEY & WEDNESDAY went on TV with some really wonderful speeches. KITTY CAT, our pet lion was brought in as a mascot. UNCLE FESTER even wrote a campaign song for QUIMBY'S opponent. Then, finally on election day LURCH, UNCLE FESTER, & of course (my mother) GRANDMAMA went out in the family DUESENBERG to go campaigning for QUIMBY'S opponent. I told LURCH to handle that swanky OAK KNOWLES section. MAMA got off in the business district to parade up & down the street with her sign & blow her bugle. UNCLE FESTER'S assignment was quite clear. He would sing, light up, & pass out three-dollar-bills. Our secret word was dignity. Then as MORTICIA & I watched the local election coverage on TV the announcer for the news department of WGRM, the local TV station swore that he saw MR. HILLIARD chasing UNCLE FESTER down the street with a stick. Later on HILLIARD came over to express his gratitude, but in a modest sort of way. Then the phone calls came in. The OAK KNOWLES section read a landslide for QUIMBY, 76-0. However, it was an early return. Besides, those people in the OAK KNOWLES section are upper-class snobs and they're always contrary to the main trend. Then another call came in. It was the 9TH PRECINCT. HILLIARD 6, QUIMBY 110. I told HILLIARD he was beginning to gain, but HILLIARD said he was ruined. So I told him it was just the 9TH PRECINCT. Nothing but lower-class people & it wasn't where his strength was. Then another call came in. It seemed there had been some fraud. Any way, the call concerned the middle-class section which is the most important one. As a result I told HILLIARD that he should demand a re-count. It was now HILLIARD 5, QUIMBY 204. Not bad really, HILLIARD just lost one vote. His campaign worker GEORGE BASS whom made the first 3 calls to the house admitted it. Too bad they caught him. Then a 4TH call came in. It was QUIMBY. It seems that a computer he had told him that he'd win easy, But MORTICIA said to him "MR. QUIMBY, I'M sure you're mistaken. Electronic computers do not vote!" then she told us that MR. QUIMBY was claiming victory. I thought it was wonderful. HILLIARD wanted to know what was so wonderful about it? So I told him in these very words "Can't you see old man. The Trap. The Achilles Heel. The WATERLOO of every politician. OVERCONFIDENCE!" Then HILLIARD fainted. MORTICIA thought that the sweet smell of success was too much for him. So the following day I read in the paper where HILLIARD said he was going to quit politics. MORTICIA thought it was his health. I kinda agreed. There was also talk of HILLIARD leaving town, too! In fact there was even talk of HILLIARD leaving the country. So I assumed that we got into the campaign too late. MORTICIA then said to me "GOMEZ, I believe we failed". But as it said in the newspaper, that according to QUIMBY, he said if it wasn't for us, he wouldn't have won. MORTICIA thought that was a generous thing to say. Then HILLIARD calls up & says that he was glad he lost. The mayor appointed him head of the schoolboard, for someone whom started out as a truant officer." "Didn't you ever get your friend THING to help out in an election of any kind?" "Well, MORTICIA thought that we should've, but decided it would be too much".

Soon as the ITASCA COUNTY folks began their preparations for THANKSGIVING of 1963, creepy things were taking place in TEXAS as PRESIDENT KENNEDY (in fear of losing the votes of the citizens in the the state of TEXAS and the whole southeastern sector of the UNITED STATES) decided to do some extra special campaigning to obtain votes from the racial bigots of the south. RADAR was eating his lunch at a lil' ol' cafe called DIXIE'S DINER, which was an old trolley car converted into a non-moveable restaurant. Then the radio announcer of station WAOS said "Oh! My GOD! I've just received news from DALLAS, TEXAS! PRESIDENT KENNEDY has been shot! His condition is unknown currently! Stand by for more details after a word of advertising from local sponsors!" Upon hearing this on the radio RADAR rushed home to be with his family. Also, KLINGER came to his own door step to find SOON-LEE crying in the foyer. GOMEZ ADDAMS sent word to all of his companies to dismiss all workers until further notice. Even HAWKEYE, POTTER, TRAPPER, & B.J. cancelled all other appointments for that day. Finally as we tuned in our TV sets to CBS, WALTER CRONKITE announced it as he said "This just in from DALLAS, TEXAS. It is official now! PRESIDENT KENNEDY is dead! He died in trauma 1 at PARKLAND MEMORIAL HOSPITAL just one hour and 38 minutes ago at 1:00 p.m. Central Standard Time".

Of course, lots of soap opera fans of "AS THE WORLD TURNS" were up in arms at CRONKITE for interrupting their Friday afternoon routine, but still there was nothing they could do. Meanwhile, in DALLAS a motorcycle cop (whom was patrolling the vicinity of the TEXAS SCHOOL BOOK DEPOSITORY building earlier that day) had been shot and killed by an unknown assassin running into a DALLAS movie theatre. As the assassin of the cop watched the movie in the 33rd row he was caught by DALLAS POLICE OFFICERS. The man they arrested was identified as a dishonorably discharged marine named LEE HARVEY OSWALD. An Italian made rifle was found in his car and botched up scientific testing proved that the rifle was of the same caliber of the one used to kill the president with! However, the pistol which OSWALD used to kill the DALLAS motorcycle cop with just went to prove that OSWALD was now being charged with both that police officer's murder and the assassination of KENNEDY. Of course, an airport janitor at LOVEFIELD reported seeing a man fitting the description of RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON in a vacant area of the airport when AIR FORCE 1 was landing. However, J. EDGAR HOOVER took one look at the report which the DALLAS police got from the janitor and dismissed it as a way to blackmail NIXON for the assassination. Also, HOOVER bribed a professional gunsmith to switch the barrel on OSWALD'S rifle with that of the one used by the real killer so OSWALD would be blamed for a crime he never committed! However, as for the shooting of the DALLAS motorcycle cop, well, OSWALD was the only guilty person whom kill a cop out of fear!!!

Meanwhile, on a westbound train leaving LOUISIANA, a NEW ORLEANS nightclub owner named JACK RUBENSTEIN aka JACK RUBY was heading towards DALLAS and he had blood in his eyes (as the old expression goes)! Sunday NOV. 24TH, 1963. With LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON as the U.S. President since his taking the oath of office onboard AIR FORCE 1 was now becoming a virtual PONTIUS PILATE!!! Why? Well, his in-laws had lots of oil wells and they wanted a big U. S. Military contract. At this point in time most of the American Military got it's oil from the SAUDI ROYAL FAMILY rather than sell it to the general public of the U.S.A.! Now they'd have to sell it to the public in AMERICA because of JOHNSON pulling strings for his in-laws. So as SUNDAY morning services at the CATTLEBREEDERS PENTECOSTAL CHURCH as run by MULCAHY were letting out for the day, KLINGER jumped out of his 2-DR. EDSEL & said "Some Jew named JACK RUBY just killed LEE HARVEY OSWALD!!!" MULCAHY said "How awful!" HAWKEYE replied "Maybe he was getting revenge against HITLER for sending his European cousins to those concentration camps!" POTTER said "I've heard of vigilante justice, but for a Jew to kill a Baptist Texan to get even for the murder of a Roman-Catholic U.S. President is totally uncanny!" B.J. said "If I know CHARLES, he'll be here for THANKSGIVING, knowing that it will not be the same!" TRAPPER replied "Look on the bright side. At least CHARLES EMERSON WINCHESTER, III., is only a Presbyterian". SIDNEY FREEDMAN replied "Amen to that!" RADAR said "I'll bet 100 to 1 that OSWALD was framed by HOOVER, JOHNSON, and NIXON as well as JEANNE DIXON!!!" MULCAHY asked "Why would you wanna blame them, RADAR?" "Because JOHNSON wants his in-laws to have an oil contract with the military. NIXON'S still sore over losing out in '60. And finally, DIXON must have been a co-conspirator in the assassination plot as well!!!" "This sounds serious! I feel that we should inform someone within the government. right now!" POTTER requested "Let's call the attorney general & make sure that no one else knows for a while or so! After all, he was the brother of the President!" So RADAR was saddened at the loss of his good friend & our great President, that NOVEMBER of 1963.