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Chapter 14: Radar & Bobby

Well, it was once again Presidential election time in AMERICA. Down in FORT WAYNE, INDIANA, FRANK BURNS was putting signs out on his front lawn showing support for both GEORGE WALLACE of ALABAMA and RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON of CALIFORNIA, in a failing hope that one or the other of them would restore segregation to the U.S.A. on a for keeps type basis!!! BURNS was only doing this because he was now the Grand Dragon of the FORT WAYNE Charter of the Ku Klux Klan!!! In MINNESOTA which was fully democratic because of the majority of the population being registered to vote as democrats any way & all, well, They were going to support the candidates for their party all the way!

Of course, BLIGHT ADDAMS whom in the past had backed political washouts such as WENDELL WILKE, AL SMITH, ALF LANDON, ADLAI STEVENSON, & THOMAS DEWEY, & earned the nickname of OLD KISS OF DEATH BLIGHT. He knew he had to keep HUBERT H. HUMPHREY from winning the primary so that BOBBY KENNEDY would come out on top with EUGENE McCARTHY in 2ND place. Naturally, we knew that LYNDON BAINES JOHNSON would not run again because THE ADDAMS FAMILY had prepared a scandal that would've lead to his impeachment. Also, GRANDPA SQUINT ADDAMS whom turned down ABE LINCOLN to support STEPHEN DOUGLAS in 1860 decided to pitch in by putting his head on the block & his shoulder to the tombstone in preventing HUBERT HUMPHREY from getting into the WHITE HOUSE in WASHINGTON.

Naturally, there were some new citizens in GRAND RAPIDS since 1965. There were The ROLFES, The BARLINIS, The ARONS, The BRADDOCKS, The COLLINS', The HORNSBYS, The HANKSONS, The MATTHEWS', The HUBBERTS, The HEGGS', The HARRISONS, The TALBOTS, & The WILLOUGHBYS. & they all lived on CEMETERY LANE where they wound up as neighbors to none other than THE ADDAMS FAMILY. RADAR & KLINGER were both on the GRAND RAPIDS DIVISION of MINNESOTIANS for RFK, & they were more than determined to have yet another KENNEDY in the WHITE HOUSE! So the campaign for the primary was on. Signs that read the following phrases were plastered throughout the state: "HUMPHREY IS NICE. VOTE FOR HIM TWICE.", "TIPPECANOE AND HUMPHREY, TOO!", "VOTE FOR HUMPHREY. EVERYBODYS FIEND.", "SWEEP HUMPHREY IN." & many more just like, them were scattered throughout the state! Even, UNCLE FESTER FRUMP whom was the maternal Uncle of MORTICIA FRUMP ADDAMS & OPHELIA FRUMP HILLIARD, composed a campaign song for HUBERT H. HUMPHREY which was sang as follows: "Don't be a hog. Help clean up the bog. And vote for HUBERT H. HUMPHREY. He'll stick to the issues. He may even kiss you. So vote for HUBERT H. HUMPHREY. Honest and nill, ol' HUBERT H. is thrilled, and he's the man for the whole waste dump. So don't be a goat and just cast your vote for the pride of our national swamps."

Soon election day for the primary had arrived. BOBBY KENNEDY was secretly smuggled into the ADDAMS mansion on CEMETERY LANE, so no one would know that he was one of their relatives, distantly speaking!? So with the polls closed & the votes were being tallied, everyone waited as the reports came in on an hourly basis. First they counted the big city votes in the twin cities area. Then they counted the ones from DULUTH. Now it was up to the smaller townships & farming communities to make sure BOBBY won! Then the phone rang. GOMEZ ADDAMS answered & said "ADDAMS Here! Really! The OAK KNOWLES section of GRAND RAPIDS! I see. Great! Good work! Keep in touch!" Then turning to face everyone he said "It's an avalanche!" MORTICIA asked "For HUMPHREY?" GOMEZ replied "For KENNEDY at 59. With only 1/4 of the voters voted for McCARTHY. and nothing for HUMPHREY." Then a 2ND call came in. MORTICIA ADDAMS answered this time by saying "This is MRS. ADDAMS, speaking. Mr. KENNEDY is having a drink right now, but I'll take a message. Really!" Then turning to the guests she said "It's the 9TH Precinct!" Then getting back on the phone she replied "Well, that's much better." Then as she hung up the phone she said to everyone "KENNEDY 198. McCARTHY 144. HUMPHREY 4." GOMEZ said "It sounds like, HUMPHREY'S beginning to gain". Then in came a 3RD call & GOMEZ answered saying "PIERRE! What's the word? Come now, PIERRE. You can think up a better word. Oh I see. Well, the middle class section is the most important". Then turning to BOBBY, GOMEZ said "If I were YOu, I'D demand a recount!" BOBBY calmly asked "Who's ahead? Who's behind? Who's in the middle?" GOMEZ replied "KENNEDY 555. McCARTHY 299. HUMPHREY 3. Not bad really! He only lost one vote". MORTICIA said "I'M sure there's been some fraud". "Oh, yes! PIERRE admits it! Too bad they caught him". Finally, a 4TH call came in, & once again MORTICIA answered the phone saying "ADDAMS residence. MRS. ADDAMS, speaking. Oh yes, MR. McCARTHY. MR. KENNEDY is here, but he can't come to the phone right now. What? MR. McCARTHY, I'M sure you're mistaken! As I once said to another politician some years ago 'Electronic Computers, do not vote'!" Then turning to the others she said "Mr. McCARTHY is throwing his support towards, BOBBY!" GOMEZ shouted "WONDERFUL!" BOBBY asked "What's so wonderful about him wanting to support me?" GOMEZ replied "Can't you see ol' man? HUMPHREY has fallen into the Trap! The ACHILLES HEEL! The WATERLOO of every politician! OVERCONFIDENCE!" With a feeling of relief coming over him, BOBBY said "If only JOHN were alive to see this!?" Then as HUMPHREY was telling the newspapers of how THE ADDAMS FAMILY ruined him McCARTHY'S statement to the press was as follows: "If it hadn't been for THE ADDAMS FAMILY, KENNEDY wouldn't have won!?"

At the victory celebration for BOBBY'S winning of the MINNESOTA primary he said "Here's to THE ADDAMS FAMILY! The best campaigners any politician could have! To RADAR O'REILLY! The best law enforcement officer in the world! To MAXWELL Q. KLINGER! The best police detective in AMERICA since JOE FRIDAY! Now I've a few more states to visit while I'M on the campaign trail, but I'll see some of you at the NATIONAL DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION in CHICAGO!?" As he prepared to leave RADAR said "BOBBY! You will remember to drop by for that 4TH of JULY barbecue I'M planning in your honor?" BOBBY replied "Bring up some 72OZ. steaks from AMARILLO!" "You bet your SWEET BIPPY!"