53
"Doctor, what about the anesthesia?!" The nurse exclaims in horror.
"No thanks, I prefer to be awake through this." Hawkeye replies. When Radar sits up he instructs Trapper. "Give him some anesthesia." To which Trapper hits Radar on the head with a rubber mallet, causing him to fall back down 'unconscious'. Looking at Radar Hawkeye remarks, "Don't laugh lad, you're unconscious. You'll be a better man for this, my friend." He saws away for a few moments and then says. "Well, that's enough of that. I think it's time to do some sewing."
"Sew what?" the nurse asked.
"That's what I say." Hawkeye replied.
A few moments later Nurse Cutler announced. "Incision closed, stitches in place. You're finished doctor."
"Yes, but who are you to remind me?" Hawkeye replied, then mischievously he added. "Tell me, nurse, would you like to hop into the oxygen tank for a little heavy breathing?" Before she could reply he exclaimed. "Wait a minute!" and put his ear to Radar's chest.
"Anything wrong, doctor?" the nurse asked anxiously.
"I think I just found my wrist watch." Hawkeye replied. "Either that or he's giving birth to an alarm clock." Trapper honked his horn in reply. Hawkeye lifted his head and in a scolding tone said to Radar's chest. "How dare you say that in front of a lady." Laying his head back down he looked at the camera and concluded. "Good night, folks." Trapper's horn echoed his farewell.
Frank's voice was again heard saying:
"And there are those rare moments when these saints in surgical garb may relax with simple, wholesome pleasures."
While Frank was talking the camera followed Hawkeye and Trapper as they walked solemnly to the Mess Tent. Inside a wild party was going on.
Getting on to of one of the tables, Hawkeye loudly exclaims. "Gentlemen, I give you the war." He pours some wine into a ladies shoe and then drinks out of it. Seconds later he spits it out in disgust. The rest of the party does the same.
The audience all look at Hawkeye and chuckle in amusement.
On screen the scene changes to Hawkeye, sitting seriously beside a patient in Post-Op. Looking directly at the camera he says.
"Three hours ago this man was in the battle..."
"Turn the film off, Klinger." Hawkeye requested, looking at the other man anxiously.
"But, Hawkeye..." Klinger tried to protest.
"Now, Klinger." Hawkeye insisted, his tone firm.
"Yes, sir." Klinger obliged, turning off the projector, still not understanding the other man's request.
"Why, Pierce?" Potter asked, voicing the question on almost everyone's mind.
"Because the final part of this film is depressing." Hawkeye replied. "It's a pointed part about the realities of war, and that's something that we don't need to be reminded of."
"I agree." Potter gave him a warm smile of support. Turning to Radar and Klinger he asked. "What other goodies do you have?"
"I have one more film." Radar replied eagerly. "And then Klinger has something up his sleeve too."
"Something besides that hairy arm of his?" Hawkeye teased lightly.
"What's the film, Radar?" BJ asked curiously, chuckling a Hawkeye's jab to Klinger.
"It's the second interview that Clete Roberts did at our unit." Radar replied with a smile.
"How did you get that?" BJ asked in amazement.
"I wrote Mr. Roberts and told him that we were having a little reunion and asked if there was anyway I could have a copy of the interviews that he did of us." Radar explained. "He wrote me back and sent me a copy of the second interview. He thought it seemed a little lighter than the first one."
"Well, what are we waiting for." Hawkeye exclaimed eagerly. "Klinger, roll that film!"
"Rolling, oh Highly Impatient One." Klinger joked at he started the projector.
The film began with a shot of the Post-Op ward. Hawkeye was talking to a nurse and then addresses another one that passed by.
"Lori, take a temperature on that chest wound."
The camera follows the nurse as she does as instructed and then follows her until she passes Clete Roberts who is standing off to one side.
"Good evening." Clete greeted with a smile. "This is Korea. October ninth, nineteen hundred and fifty-two. I'm Clete Roberts and I'm speaking to you from the recovery room of the 4077th Mobile Army Surgical Hospital – a M*A*S*H. The fighting began out here more than two years ago and in spite of ongoing peach talks an end seems nowhere in sight. This isn't the first time that we've been to this particular unit, but we've returned because it's record of efficiency and the people who make that record are a truly unique story."
Hawkeye and BJ began clapping loudly and voicing their agreement to the statement.
"Quiet you two." Potter rebuked with a harsh tone. "You're worse than a couple of school children." A small smile that was tugging at the corner of his mouth belied the anger in his words. He was really in total agreement with them.
Everyone turned their attention back to the screen. Clete was asking Hawkeye a question.
"As a practicing surgeon, how do you cope with these unusual circumstances?"
"Well, usually I just turn my mind off and hope it'll go away." Hawkeye replied seriously.
Margaret chuckled and turned to her husband. "That explains it!" She exclaimed, as if suddenly realizing something.
"Explains what?" Hawkeye asked curiously, not sure what she was getting at.
"That explains all the mindless stunts that you pulled." Margaret explained, her eyes twinkling with mischief. The group around them laughed as her husband gave her a mock indignant look.
The Hawkeye on screen was still replying to Clete's question. "...you just do your job and try to forget that there's a war going on outside the window."
The scene moved from Post-Op to Colonel Potter's office where Clete was speaking to the unit's Commanding Officer.
"I've seen the casualty reports." Clete was saying. "And the number of wounded men that pass through here is staggering."
"Yeah, we've got enough clientele to open a hospital." Potter agreed seriously. "Makes for some long sessions in OR. I've seen surgeons so tired they almost fell asleep on their patients."
Again the background changed as Clete asked his next question. "What's your most difficult problem here?"
"Well, ah, for me it's getting use to doing things the army way." Klinger admitted seriously. "You see, back home in Toledo, if we needed something we just stole it...borrowed it."
Everyone exploded into amused laughter.
"Right from the 'Scrounger's' mouth!" Hawkeye hooted heartily.
"We always knew he was skilled." BJ laughed in amusement. "But we didn't realize just how skilled."
"Will you wombat's keep quiet!" Charles rebuked indignantly. "I'm trying to hear."
"Oh, quiet everybody, Charles is trying to hear." Hawkeye announced loudly.
"So am I, Pierce." Potter exclaimed. "Now button it. It's Radar."
"...but I mean, wow, over here they got paper work and requisitions for everything!" Radar was saying.
"Even to go to the latrine!" Hawkeye exclaimed mischievously.
"Or to take a shower!" BJ added his own two cents. "But make sure to allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing."
"Which explains why Radar waited so long between showers." Trapper joined in, his eyes twinkling in fun.
"Oh, know it off!" Radar exclaimed in exasperation, though an amused smile was tugging at the corner's of his mouth.
"What do you miss the most?" Clete was asking. The camera focused on Hawkeye as he thought for a moment.
"Just off hand, I'd have to say a mattress thicker than a motza." He paused for another moment as he thought again. "My own bathroom with a combination lock, any woman out of any uniform, and the entire State of Maine."
"Well, I miss playing spoons with my wife." Was Potter's reply to Clete's question.
Mildred looked at her husband and smiled lovingly as he reached over and squeezed her hand.
"Playing spoons?" Clete questioned with surprise. "I don't understand, you mean music?"
"Well, you cuddle up together like two spoons in a drawer." Potter explained and then after a brief pause he retracted. "Ah, wait a minute, that's a little personal, maybe you shouldn't use it."
"Whatever you say." Clete said obligingly.
"Ah, what the hell." Potter exclaimed amiably. "I'm sure there's plenty of people back home do the same thing."
Hawkeye leaned forward and tapped his old friend on the shoulder. With a wicked smile he remarked. "Margaret and I love playing spoons, too."
The Potters chuckled as BJ echoed. "So do Peg and I."