Teddy Terror

by Corporal Shawna Marie

When Radar O'Reilly was feeding the lunch salad to his animals and making sure that they were happy and satisfied with their vegetables a small, scrawny, boxer came. A boxer dog, it is brown with a white chest and long nails and a long tail. The dog looked at Radar curiously and then Radar bent down to pet the dog and ran around in circles. Radar chuckled with the dog being so happy and Radar bent down and picked it up. Radar made sure no one was around. Mostly Frank or Hot Lips, because they would make Radar get rid of the dog. Radar took the dog and ran to his room with dog tucked into his jacket, like it wasn't noticeable. He put it down and refilled his rabbits, cockroaches, flies, and mice waters and re feed them. The dog's nail tapped on the cement floor and was waiting for his food. Radar got his robe belt from his robe and made a leash and attached it to the bedpost of his cot. Radar quieted the dog and went to go get some bread and some scraps from the Mess Tent. He looked around and got some pieces of bread, some bagels, and a few pieces of apples and grapes. When Radar was searching the bin Frank examined Radar's activity. He approached Radar when Radar grabbed a half piece of liver.

"What do you think your doing, corporal?" Frank said looking down at him then in Radar's grimy hands that are covered in liver and fruit pulp.

"Well, sir, Hawkeye has this new procedure of using table scrap as alternate sponges. That he says that shows it is more effective. So he told me to get some scrap so he can try it on tonight's steak dinner." Radar said squinting at Frank because of the sun.

"Well, then make sure he gets it right away then." Frank said smiling at Radar with his hands in his pockets. Radar hurried up to his office around the corner and carrying the liver inbetween his fingers so it doesn't slip. Radar got to his office and put the liver in a small dish that Radar used to store a sandwich for at night. Radar pet the dog and locked his office and went to go make Blake file and sign papers. Hawkeye was in surgery at the time and he was finishing up his last patient.

"Stitch him up, nurse, then meet me in my tent and we'll discuss doctor, or perhaps play a little." Hawkeye said smiling through his mask getting his hands out of the man. She smiled at him.

"Sorry, Hawkeye, but I have a date with another doctor, doctor." She said when she started sewing the patient.


"Trapper John."

"That figures. Coming onto my nurses."

'Well, maybe next time."

"Ok, but save some for me." Hawkeye winked at her and left the room. Hawkeye pulled off his gloves and sat down and threw his bloody garment in the basket. Hawkeye grabbed his watch and put it on like normally does and wiped his boots with his rag, which needed a good wash. Hawkeye got up and walked out of the operating room into the compound. He walked to The Swamp where he met his comrade who stepped one step close to the razor, Trapper.

"Trapper, you closed in on my girl."

"There's plenty of fish in the cesspool."

"Well, there's no other angelfish."

"You snooze, you lose, Hawk."

"That's the problem you snoozed and won." Hawkeye said mixing some martini and dropping the olive in the glass. Hawkeye sat in his cot with his legs open and his elbow in the pillow, swilling. Trapper got ready for dinner with Nurse Kim and ran out the door. Hawkeye after a while decided to get up as well. Hawkeye traveled to the nurse's tent and knocked on the door.

"Hello! A package addressed to a willing nurse with a great attitude." Hawkeye said in a pip voice. Hawkeye put his ear to the screen and listen to the chatter and giggling inside. "Hello", Hawkeye repeated. One of the nurses creaked open and Nurse Karen's head came out.

"Where's the package?" she said.

"You're looking at it, nurse." Hawkeye said inviting himself in by jamming his foot into the door then opening it. "Excuse me, ladies, but anyone up for a dinner and a show. Or we can skip the show and head down to my place." Hawkeye said looking around at the bunks and seeing the nurses painting their nails and brushing their hair.

'No, Hawkeye, and now it's time to leave." Nurse Karen said pushing him out the door.

"Ok where first? Supply Tent, The Swamp, or the Henry's jeep?" Hawkeye said looking behind him

"I'm not going anywhere, but you are." Nurse Karen pushed him out the door and waved by then locked the door. "Dipped again," said Hawkeye walking to the recovery room where he was going to check on a few patients. As Hawkeye walked he met up with Radar who was bringing his supper to his office to share with the dog.

"Going out for take-out, Radar?" Hawkeye said.

"Uh ... yeah, but if Major Burns says about scraps and sponges, agree, ok bye." Radar said fast and quietly and started to walk.

"Hold it Radar," Hawkeye said putting his hand on Radar's shoulder and stopped and made Radar turn around," What do you mean scrapes and sponges." Radar moaned and answered, "Follow me." Radar said carrying his tray to his office. Meanwhile, Blake spotted the dog earlier and waited for Radar in his office. When the door closed and made a thump, Radar gave Hawkeye his tray and said, "Hold on." Radar entered Blake's office.

"Radar." "Yes, sir, you wanted me sir." Blake and Radar said at the same time.

"Radar. You idiot. How many times! How many times have I told you, Radar?" Blake said looking at Radar.

" Sorry, sir." Radar said.

" What's that filthy animal doing in your office?"

" Well, Captain Pierce, uh, wanted to borrow my Superman comics for tonight and ..." Radar said.

"Not that dirty animal, Radar, the one in your office eating off of a plate."

"Oh, that dirty animal, well can I keep it, sir, pretty please! Please! I promise to take care of it!" Radar said begging

"Well, your going to go over my head, like the rabbits and the skunks. Just keep it out of the pre-op and post-op and clean it up. The thing is awful and make sure you feed it. If one complaint comes in your done Radar!" Blake said pouring himself some scotch. Radar walked out and took out his key and opened the door. The dog jumped on Hawkeye and the food flew all over. Radar took one look at the dog and it had Radar's teddy.

"Hawk! It has my teddy! Get up Hawkeye!" Radar zoomed out of the door.

"I'm fine, Radar, don't worry about me I'll be fine." Hawkeye said to himself and got up and started to chase Radar. Once Hawkeye started running and caught up to Radar who was looking for the jeep key. Hawkeye took Radar keys and shook him getting his attention.

"Radar! The dog will come back we'll set up signs, traps, and whatever you want, but do you want to be shot!" Hawkeye said at 9 o' clock at night.

"You don't understand, Hawkeye, my brother gave me that before I entered the service! I've slept with it every night since!" Radar said almost screaming

"I've never known that side of you, Radar." Hawkeye said trying not to laugh.

"Cut it out will ya?" Radar said while they were getting out of the jeep. Hawkeye pulled Radar closer to him with his hand on Radar shoulder and leading him back to his office.

"Listen, Radar, we'll go to the towns tomorrow looking for your teddy bear, but we will find it." Hawkeye said about to leave.

" Uh, Hawkeye." Radar said and Hawkeye stopped and turned around. "hem?" Hawkeye answered.

"This might seem, uh, kind of embarrassing, but ..." Radar put his hand on the back of his head and shuffled his foot and the cement floor.

'Radar, you know you can ask me anything, son." Hawkeye said closing the door and staying in Radar's office and smiled a rare smile. " Well, uh, um, uh, can you stay here until, I, uh I go to sleep, it's going to get kind of lonely in here tonight, uh, um." Radar said shuffling his feet rapidly and looking up at Hawkeye.

"Ok, uh, sure, but don't expect me to take your teddy's place because it won't be pretty if I get in there." Hawkeye said. " I'm going to get a martini, ok, that should give you enough time for you to get ready right?" Hawkeye said walking out the door.

"Uh yeah, sure, thanks Hawkeye." Radar said. "What's the army for, Radar?" Hawkeye said leaving at that moment. Hawkeye came back a moment later with a glass, a quart of martini, and in the quart was about 7 olives. Hawkeye took a chair and faced the back Radar's way and sat down backwards. Hawkeye poured a martini and sipped it and turned out the light next to him.

"Good night, Hawkeye." Radar said then turning around.

"Good night, shorty" Hawkeye said swilling his martini rapidly. After about a half an hour, Hawkeye got up leaving his mess behind. He figured that Radar wouldn't mind if he picked it up in the morning. Hawkeye walked back to The Swamp where Trapper was also just getting back from his "date" with Nurse Kim.

"Have a good time, Trapper." Hawkeye said taking off his boots.

"Yeah, it was good." Trapper said just flipping off one shoe and started to fall asleep.

" Shut up, you captains, a doctor is trying to sleep here. I tell you that all the time!" Frank said looking at them.

"Easy, Frank, you might wake up Trapper, he's a sleeping surgeon." Hawkeye said swilling a midnight martini.

"You, you!" Frank said covering his head in the pillow,

" ' You, you!' " Hawkeye said mocking Frank. Hawkeye turned out the light and went to sleep after putting down his martini glass and eating the olive out of it. When, early in the morning when wounded flown in by chopper; Hawkeye, Trapper, Frank, Spearchucker, and Blake woke up to see what's the damage. Only three wounded arrived. Shrapnel in the legs and one in the shoulder. Trapper told Hawkeye to go help Radar before Radar loses his mind. Hawkeye agreed and went walking over to Radar's office and see how he's doing. Radar was sitting in his chair filing reports in Korean about his teddy bear.

"How long have you've been doing this, Radar?" Hawkeye asked looking at Radar in his blue and white striped robe.

"Uh, about two -thirty in the morning. I couldn't sleep." Radar said scrolling the paper out of the printer and putting it on a one inch stack of papers that were exactly the same with Radar and his teddy on the center of the letter.

"I thought we could post them around the villages so they can bring it back to me." Radar said smiling with glee and grabbing his pants and a staple gun.

"Uh, Radar is there a reward here?" Hawkeye asked looking closely at the letter.

"Yeah, it's right there see, fifty dollars," Radar said, "I wanted to make it worthy so I get it back and people really look."

"If I find it do I get fifty dollars?" Hawkeye asked looking at Radar.

"Yeah, sure."

"Ok, let's get going. Grab the keys." Radar grabbed the keys and walked with Hawkeye and put the signs and staple gun in the back of the jeep and they got going. After going five minutes they reached a small town that was filled with people. Hawkeye posted up the signs and talked Mostly young Korean women who looked single who were working in the fields, but not about the teddy bear. Radar went to everyone in the far side of the town and showed them and picture and pointing to the teddy bear. After a while Radar asked a little boy who pointed toward the next town over. Radar grabbed Hawkeye that was walking with a maiden to her hut talking sweet talk.

"Hawkeye, a kid just said where my teddy was! Excuse me, but he needs to come with me now." Radar said to Hawkeye and his new friend.

"Fine, Radar, let's go and I'll drive. You almost killed me last time you drove." Hawkeye said pulling away from the town full force into the rode going to the town that's ten minutes away. Hawkeye rode without a care in the world because he knew that he would see that girl later. Suddenly, an explosion enters the road and Hawkeye swerved. Hawkeye immediately backed up and started turning back.

"What are you doing, Hawkeye!" Radar said holding onto the steering wheel turning it back to its destination.

"Saving our lives. This isn't worth a teddy bear, Radar!" Hawkeye said forcing the steering wheel. Radar took the key out of the unction and sat pouting.

'Radar give me that key now!" Hawkeye said putting out his hand. Radar just looked at it and looked back and looked at it again. "Radar you can't quit the war. Now give me that key."

"Then we get my bear."

"No, Radar, don't be crazy give me that key!"

"Teddy bear for key and we don't get blown up!" Radar demanded.

"Fine! Fine! We'll get the dang bear just give me the key." Radar handed over the key and Hawkeye shaking started the jeep and took off down the road. Hawkeye looked straight ahead in disgust with Radar and started mumbling with himself cusses.

"You know he's important." Radar said looking at Hawkeye.

"Not that important. Next time you do that I'm just taken off. Don't you forget!"

"Well, if some dog ran off with your gin what-you-might-call-it you'd be running over Korea for it."

"Well, I wouldn't rather be shelled for it! I have more alcohol around the camp I don't need it. I do, but still!"

"Well, if your dad or sister gave you something and a dumb animal ran off with it then you know how I'd feel." Hawkeye pulled over in the middle of the road and took out the key. He laid back and took a deep breath and let it go and shook his head on the headrest.

"Radar, I'm sorry, but that gave you no excuse to put our lives in jeopardy."

'Yes, it did now either you start driving or I am now move now, or, I'll say something nasty." Radar said looking at Hawkeye foolish yet seriously that made Hawkeye smile with a small chuckle. Hawkeye put the key back in once more and started the jeep and rode again down the road.

"I'm sorry, Radar. Your right, I over reacted. Forgive me, short stuff."

"Ok, Hawkeye, let's just get my teddy back." When they arrived at the town the boxer came up empty handed and looked at Radar for scraps. Radar pet the dog and looked at it. Then Radar picked it up and shook it.

"Eh. Eh. " Hawkeye said stopping Radar and looking to his side and making Radar drop the dog.

"Uh, sorry." Radar walked through the left side of the small village and looked into the building. Hawkeye looked on the right side also looking in the windows. Hawkeye saw a clean pink ribbon coming from a baby carriage. Hawkeye whistled Radar over and pointed to the carriage.

"Is that he?" Hawkeye asked curiously.

"Let's hope." Radar knocked on the green moldy door and the door opened to show a young mother smiling and in Korean showing them in. Radar ran out and took out a paper showing him and his teddy. Radar showed it to the young girl. The young girl nodded and took it from the baby carriage and gave it to Radar. The bear was his, but it had several tears and was dusty and dirty.

"Thanks so much, miss!" Radar said holding his teddy and giving her fifty dollars in Korean money. Hawkeye just stood there looking around curiously at Radar hugging his teddy and smiling foolishly.

"Can we leave now?" Hawkeye said dropping his shoulders and his hands limp.

"Yeah, sure." Radar said shaking the women's hand and walking out the door with Hawkeye holding his teddy close to his chest. Radar got in the drivers seat and tucked his teddy in his pant half hanging out so it won't fly out of the car. Radar started the jeep and Hawkeye sat in the seat laying back carefree waiting for his martini or the day. Radar rode recklessly through the streets. Hawkeye held on to the windshield for his life and grasping onto the seat leather and looking bug eyed. It took Radar six minutes instead of fifteen to get back to camp.

"Radar, when this war is over go to drivers school. Then, come visit me." Hawkeye got out of the car and walked to The Swamp.

"Hold up." Radar said pulling out twenty red bills." Here, just think of it as a thank you gift." Hawkeye gave it back to him.

"Use it for poker tonight. Eight o' clock. The Swamp. How about it?" Hawkeye said opening the door half way about to walk in.

"Sure, I'll be there." Radar said leaving.

"Uh, Radar." Hawkeye said. Radar came over. "Give me the bear, Radar." Radar looked at it and pulled it out of his pants." It will be good as new when you get it back, ok" Hawkeye said taking the bear by it's ear.

"Ok, but be careful." Radar walked away concerned. Hawkeye walked into the empty Swamp and made himself a nice large pot of martini and poured himself some. Hawkeye went into his footlocker and pulled out some khaki thread and a large sewing needle. Hawkeye spent five minutes just trying to thread the darn thing. When Trapper came in and sat down and started chatting, but Hawkeye was too into his threading of the needle. Trapper took it himself and threads it with his third try.

"Smarty pants, I could've did it." Hawkeye said pulling off a big piece of thread then cutting it with his teeth.

"Yeah, sure, Hawkeye." Trapper said pouring himself a glass of martini then making a plopping noise of the olive dropping in. Hawkeye picked up the teddy bear and looked carefully at it.

"Trapper, do me a favor, go get me some pink ribbon, a pair of scissors, a tool for the OR that we use to sew, a scrub brush, a bucket of water, and get it back here as fast as you can." Hawkeye said pulling out his soap and towel and a magnifying glass.

"What are you doing with Radar's teddy?" Trapper said going in his footlocker and pulling out scissors, a small scrub brush, and an army helmet. He gave Hawkeye the scissors and scrub brush and tucked the helmet under his arm.

"Come on, I'll tell you when you get back." Around twenty minutes later Trapper came back with everything Hawkeye needed. Hawkeye got his robe and placed it over the cot and placed the teddy bear on the red robe and damped it with and even layer of water and started rubbing it roughly with soap.

"The dumb dog ripped Radar's bear. So, I know that Radar doesn't know ... how to sew so I offered to fix him up. Because I know my next door neighbor's kids doesn't ... know how to sew or wash stuffed animals ... so in Crab Apple Cove I use to do it for them." Hawkeye said pausing after every scrub down. Hawkeye flipped over the bear and scrubbed it down with soap again. Hawkeye put the robe on his lap and scrubbed with his fingers the bear and scrubbed hard and the soap turned bubbled and Hawkeye washed it down. Trapper observed carefully at Hawkeye's work.

"If my kids send you their dolls would you do the same thing?" Trapper said looked at Hawkeye.

"Doesn't you wife do that?" Hawkeye said taking the towel and rapidly rubbing the bear dry and sticking the cotton back in the bear.

"Yeah, but I'm going to charge you."

"How much?"

"Five years of no wars and world peace for every animal. That goes doubles for baby dolls." Hawkeye said looking at the bear. Hawkeye snipped off the torn pink bow and started sewing the holes in the teddy bear.

"Hold this, Trapper." Hawkeye said holding the magnifying glass over the hole. Trapper held in and Hawkeye took the needle and started to sew. After thirty minutes of Hawkeye sewing and no sound what so ever, he got the scissors and cut the last thread and tied it tightly. Hawkeye took the pink bow and made a fancy ribbon like on a fancy hat that people wore to party with their matching dresses. Hawkeye tied a knot and and sewed it on the bear. Hawkeye brushed the bear with his hairbrush on the table and put it on his cot. It was now seven thirty at night. Trapper started hitching up the folded table and put soapboxes and chairs around it. Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar, Blake, Private John, Spearchucker, and Father were all playing tonight. Hawkeye set up a spare chair and placed the bear on it with cards rubber banded to it's hand. The cards in the hand were a hearts royal flush. Hawkeye cut a cigar in half and also strapped that also onto the bear with clear thread. The bear was sitting their playing cards and smoking a cigar with a cold beer on it's side. Trapper laughed at it and set up a new deck of cards on the table. Ashtrays, beers, martini glasses, and coaster were all set up on the table. Radar was later and everybody was sitting in there normal places. Clockwise from the dealer, Hawkeye was Trapper, Private John, Father, Spearchucker, and Blake, Radar's seat, then the teddy bear. Radar came in a few minutes after father. Radar saw the teddy bear and picked him up. He hugged the bear and smelled it and snuggles it gently.

"Aw!" everyone said then laughing uncontrollably. Radar's face turned red and sat down putting down the bear and removing the cigar. Radar sat next to Hawkeye and his teddy bear. Radar dropped the pretzels on the table and everyone like animals started gobbling them up. Radar looked at his teddy again then looked at Hawkeye and just randomly gave him a great big hug around his neck. Hawkeye looked at Radar and then chuckled with a half smile and gave Radar a great hug back and pat on the back. This lasted for about a minute. Trapper coughed.

"Uh, if you want to do this forever, Hawk and Radar, then get a tent. We're here to play some poker."

"Alright, Trapper, keep your Sicilian boxer shorts on we're getting to it." Hawkeye said letting go of Radar and shuffling the cards.

"Let's play some cards." Hawkeye said playing the cards.

Radar brought his teddy bear showing everyone his new cleaned up teddy bear that Hawkeye did. The teddy bear, which was still holding the cards. Everyone smiled and nodded at Radar and complimented Hawkeye. Radar got his food and got extra sausage for his teddy. Radar ran over hugging his teddy in one arm and sat down quickly across from Hawkeye.

"Thanks again, Hawkeye, you really did me a favor." Radar said smiling uncontrollably.

"Hey, what's family for?" Hawkeye said digging into his own sausage. Radar looked at Frank and Hot Lips at the next table. Radar slid down the bench.

"I'll be right back, Hawkeye." Radar said. Hawkeye smiled then focused onto his tray wondering what everything was or is or what it was and now is.

"Looks at my teddy bear, Majors." Radar said giving it Hot Lips to hold to feel the fluff of it. Hot Lips took it and held in her arms and smiled to feel the soft stuffed animal. "Ah, Radar is so clean and fluffy. It's been so long since I felt something this fluffy. It reminds me of home." Hot Lips said in joy and gave it Frank to have a feel. Radar stood there with his hand in his pocket shoulder relaxed and chest out in pride. Frank looked at it seriously and flipped it over every way. "It's a bear and it's stuffed. It is kind of nice feeling. Who did this for you, Radar, I know you didn't?" Frank said foolishly grinning. "Hawkeye did it, sir, he even sewed it up." Radar said.

"How did it get ripped?" Hot Lips said.

"Uh, a dog."

"Where did the dog come from?"

"Uh, Korea."

"Where was the dog placed, in the camp, a near by village, where."

"The unit."

"Where was he, Radar?"

"In my office." Hawkeye stood by laughing and chuckling at the situation.

"Now what was a dog doing in your office?" Frank grasped tightly onto the stuffed animal. Radar grabbed it and ran over to Hawkeye. Radar hugged onto his teddy bear and squinted his eye at Frank and frowned at him like he usually does. Hawkeye busted out laughing and banged on the table while Frank turned red and stuttered.

The End