Still Steal

by Corporal Shawna Marie

As Hawkeye and Trapper woke from the loud beeping of wounded coming in and Radar's tiny little voice yelling on the top of his lungs, "Wounded!" Hawkeye hurried and quickly grabbed his pants, which were slung over his bedpost. Trapper grabbed his boots and at the same time made two martinis very sloppy and spilling the gin-ish liquid all over the table and on his boots. Hawkeye laced his boots and looking out of the tent seeing the people unloaded wounded and seeing how many he can calculate between each, but it didn't matter. Hawkeye and Trapper quickly gulped their martinis and ate the olive quickly.

"Hurry up, Trapper!" Hawkeye said looking seriously into Trapper's eye and pulling him by the shirt. Trapper zipped his pants outside in the washroom. Nurse Kelleye helped Trapper put on his scrubs, nurse Karen did Hawkeye's, and Hot Lips did Frank's scrubs. As Frank washed with Blake by him, Hawkeye and Trapper were already in the operation room. Spearchucker and Duke pointed out to Radar, Father, and Klinger which was wounded first and which ones needed to be operated as soon as possible. As Duke and Spearchucker made their way into the washroom and Frank and Blake made themselves out to their favorite operating tables. Out came the patients.

Blake got a left shoulder wound and leg wound that hit the bone. The bullets exploded both of them. Little bb of scrapple grazed into the left arm and the other grazed into the right left spreading as far as the knee. Blake was experienced with this kind of wound, but may take him longer to identify what kind of bullet and check the charts, x-rays, and see how many bb's are in one bullet. As Radar and Father plopped a chest wound in front of Hawkeye he took a look at the wound as the nurse put him in anesthesia.

The bullet entered through his gut and into his right kidney. As Hawkeye opened the guy quickly and clapped the internal bleeding areas and fixing the tissue to fix the bleeding while he searched for the bullet. This for Hawkeye would take no more then thirty minutes at the most. Hawkeye got covered in the blood as soon as he opened up the kid.

Trapper got his patient next. The kid got an exploded grenade and pieces of metal in his face. Trapper started taking pieces of metal out of the kid's face and observing it.

"Father! Father! Get over here now and hold this!" Trapper demanded and handed Father a magnifying glass and chair. Trapper observed the kid's cheek. And pulled out the little tiny pieces of shard.

"You know this is a first-star general, Trapper." Father said looking at Trapper.

"How's that he's only about nineteen." Trapper said not moving his sight and pulled out a piece of metal and made a clang in the pan.

"He's MacArthur's nephew."

"It's always family that gets us through this, unfortunately not for this kid, sponge and suction." Trapper said.

Frank got a simple leg wound. Spearchucker got a chest wound, like normal chest wounds. Duke also got a chest wound like Spearchucker's. Hawkeye looked up.

"Be careful, Trapper, if MacArthur find out his nephew is in the hands of a captain, you might go home, or to jail, before any of us." Hawkeye said giving a smile through his mask. Trapper was finish up the kid's cheek and pulling off pieces of tissue that was burnt.

"Get me a unit of whole blood, Father, nurse, line up a bed and a IV for this kid." Trapper said and the nurse leaving and Trapper stitching up the kid's cheek and binding it up with bandages. Everyone cheered Trapper as Radar and Klinger pulled the kid off Trapper's table and into the Recovery Room. Trapper peeled off his gloves and put on new ones. Trapper smiled through his mask and let out a deep breath. Couple privates put a new wounded body in Trapper's way and Trapper got to work. Everyone except Frank was smiling through his or her mask. Even Hot Lips Houlihan smiled.

"Did anybody remember? Scalpel." Hawkeye said without looking up.

"Remember what?" Trapper said so innocently.

"My birthday." Hawkeye said.

"Well, I didn't know." Trapper said looking up and looking a table over to see Hawkeye cutting through his third patient for the day.

"The way you look at my Marilyn Monroe calendar you should know. By the way, I want that back for under your pillow." Hawkeye said looking up quickly at Trapper meeting his eyes seriously. Trapper looking up while clapping and smiled through his mask so big that his mask almost fell off. Everyone randomly said happy birthday to Hawkeye and Hawkeye said thank you after each so. Radar came in and waiting a little bit.

"MASK!" Hawkeye reminded Radar. Radar took his shirt and covered his mouth.

"Happy Birthday, Hawkeye, I remembered, but I forgot to tell you because wounded came and I was busy."

"Thank you, Radar, at least someone remembered." Hawkeye said tipping his head and satisfied. "Now I know who my friends are."

After O.R. all day it was five o' clock in the afternoon. Hawkeye was running to his beloved still. When Hawkeye got there the still was gone. Hawkeye started to grab at nothing trying to calculate what was there, or not there, or was supposed to be there. Hawkeye started grunting in a high voice trying to make a martini. Hawkeye sat on his cot and fell. When he realized that there were no martinis or a cot he just got up and tore off his hat and went to the mess tent after dressing himself. He thought at least his footlocker was still there. He walked to the Mess Tent where hardly anyone was in there, but Hot Lips, Frank, Father, and a couple privates with nurses here and there. Igor was on K.P. and served hot soup, two-day-old rolls, steamed carrots, peas, and chicken. This was probably the best meal that Hawkeye had in a while. Radar told Igor and got two rolls and two big bowls of soup. Hawkeye sat with Father was praying and clutching his hat.

"Sit down, Hawkeye." Father said putting his hat to the right side of his tray and picking up the spoon and eating the chicken broth and celery, then dipping his rolls in the broth to make it more tasteful and softer. Father sat grinning into space like always while Hawkeye was sniffing his food and thinking of the worst for his still. Hawkeye was talking to himself cursing who ever stole his still.

"Something troubling you, my son?" Father said while pulling off pieces of soggy bread.

"Unless you stole my still, Father, then no."

"Oh well, let's see if they will come before you need it."

"Too late, Father."

"Oh, well." Father said pulling out a small paper bag and gave it to Hawkeye with a small card attached. "Here's a birthday gift, sorry I forgot, I didn't know, nobody told me."

"I know that you wouldn't forget anyway, thank you." Hawkeye pulled the ribbon and pulled out a leather bible. Father smiled gleefully as Hawkeye looked through the bible.

"Thank you, Father."

"Your welcome, Hawkeye." Father said eating his chicken in little pieces and Hawkeye sniffed his food steadily and making sure it was edible. After coming out of the Mess Tent with Father to Father's tent and sitting down and talking about back home when Radar came in. Radar carried a pouch and a huge box, which was marked 'Happy Birthday' and 'Fragile'. Father got a couple small packages and a few letters. Hawkeye got a packet filled with letters and the huge box. Radar gave Hawkeye a pair of scissors and left. Hawkeye backed up and plopped the huge package in front of Father and himself. Hawkeye opened the package smiling like a little boy on his birthday. He moved all the Styrofoam pieces and pulled out a new golf club from his neighbor on the next street and also got new golf balls to go with it. Hawkeye pulled out a basket filled with different kinds of candy such as caramel pieces and salt water taffy from Atlantic City, which was in a Crabapple Cove tin bucket that people put lobsters in when caught from his sister. His patients, who always come see him, gave him small things such as shirts, shoes, socks, and boxers. Hawkeye was really happy that he got some new clothes. The rest was from his dad. Big Benjy Pierce gave Hawkeye a new scarf, boots, a dark blue wool blanket, a picture of Benjy, him, and his sister all in the bay catching lobster, a couple films, and a big field green backpack filled with books of mystery, horror, and drama. Hawkeye filled up the box and opened the packet and there was at least fifty letters. It looked like everyone from Crabapple Cove wrote Hawkeye. Hawkeye put the packet in his new back pack and bid a farewell that was reading his letter carefully while eating crackers. Hawkeye carried the big box out of Father's tent and put in under the table. Hawkeye pulled out his new driver and started to practice by swinging it lightly and acting like he was hitting a ball. Hawkeye noticed that there was a note.

Hawkeye took the note and read it:

Hawkeye was happy that he was going to get back the still. It was now six- thirty and was ready for a great big martini. Hawkeye put all his things away and grabbed a piece of chocolate and put it in his mouth and started to walk to Rosie's. Everyone waved at Hawkeye and wished him a happy birthday. When Hawkeye got to Rosie's he sat next to Trapper who was guzzling down a couple martinis.

"Get me a martini, Rosie, ok Trapper where is it?" Hawkeye said sitting on the corner next to Trapper.

"Where's what?"

"The still."

"Here you go Hawkeye-son." Rosie put down a martini next to Hawkeye and went away.

"The stills gone!" Trapper said putting down his glass and almost in a panic.

"Yes, Trapper, you didn't know! I thought you were going to pull me into the Mess Tent and play a joke on me!"

"Well, we'll go to the Mess Tent at eight and get the still back, but right now drinks are on me." Trapper said ordering up another martini.

"Trapper, you don't have to do that! You know I drink more then a whale."

"It's your birthday you get drink!" Rosie then came out and put a candle on the side of the martini glass. Hawkeye smiled and Trapper got everyone in the bar singing 'Happy Birthday'. Hawkeye blushed and smiled foolishly and blew out the candle before it reached the clear heavenly liquid. When it was about seven- thirty Hawkeye and Trapper went out of Rosie's and onto the street again. Hawkeye dragged Trapper to The Swamp to show Trapper all the gifts he got. Frank came in and looked at Hawkeye and threw him a small gift.

"Aw, Frank, you shouldn't have." Hawkeye said Trapper waited to the side holding the golf club. "I know you couldn't have resisted."

"Well, it's your birthday and I know you got me a gift so it's only right. Don't get use to it." Frank squinted at Hawkeye while Hawkeye pulled open the cardboard box and got a small letter opener that had a beer on the handle.

"Thanks, Frank, that was really kind of you!" Hawkeye took a jawbreaker that was lined on the bottom of the bucket. He threw one to Trapper and one to Frank. Hawkeye had two more in his bucket. These were huge jawbreakers and knew it was going to last him a long, long time. Frank took his and smiled his lipless slime.

"Thanks, Pierce!" Frank said putting his in his footlocker. Frank didn't notice, but Frank left the tent after seven- fifty. Hawkeye and Trapper were getting ready by putting on new change of clothes because Hawkeye wanted to try out his new clothes. Hawkeye shaved and did his hair real quick, so did Trapper John.

It was eight- ten when they left The Swamp. When they got to the Mess Tent only a few people were in there. Radar came up to Hawkeye.

"You stole my still, Radar!" Hawkeye said stepping closer to Radar and looking down at him.

"No, sir, come with me." Radar brought him to the pens and said that his animal was sick. Hawkeye took a look at it for about ten minutes. Then looked at all the other animals. When, they were going back. Hawkeye noticed that Trapper was gone. The lights were off in the Mess Tent.

"Stupid supply sergeant!" Hawkeye muttered to himself. Hawkeye entered the tent and the lights came on. Everyone was standing there in the pitch dark. Hawkeye smiled and looked around. To the right of him was a huge cake. To the left of him laid a mountain of presents. In front of him were Igor and Klinger serving barbecue ribs and Cole slaw, Hawkeye's favorite. Trapper put a blindfold on Hawkeye and led him to the far side of the Mess Tent. Radar pulled it off. Sitting in front of Hawkeye was a clean still. With jars or brand new fresh fixings and three jars of the finest New York olives. The new martini glass set had Trapper's, Hawkeye's, Duke's, and Spearchucker's name printed on them. Three martini glasses each. Hawkeye knew that Radar got the olives, the nurses made the martini glasses, and Duke, Trapper, and Spearchucker made the still and got the fixings.

Hawkeye's cake was grand and had his name on there and a big medical sign on it. It had twenty- four candles lining the medical sign on the cake. The cake was a sheet cake and chocolate. The icing was whipped cream and sugar. It looked so heavenly. Presents from everyone in the unit were on the table. Hawkeye sat down and Trapper tied a party hat on Hawkeye's head. The nurses wore theirs on their heads. Radar wore two to make horns on top of his head. Trapper wore two on his chest to be hilarious. Duke wore his on his mouth to make a beak and Spearchucker wore his to the side. Hawkeye opened the first present from the nurses. It was a brand new suit. The second present was from Radar. Radar got him two bottles of the finest wines in Korea. The third was from Blake who got him a liquor cabinet with a lock and four keys with Duke's, Hawkeye's, Trapper's, and Spearchucker's names carved into the keys with three bottles of eight-year-old Bloomington scotch. The forth present was from Hot Lips, who got Hawkeye a bottle of rye. The fifth present was from Igor, which got Hawkeye a big twenty- pound bag of beer nuts. The sixth gift was from all the privates in the unit both 4077th and 8063rd was two six packs or beer and Marylyn Monroe, fish, golf, and football poker cards. The seventh gift was from Klinger, who got Hawkeye a poker table that he found at the 7303rd for sale with brand new poker chips. The eight and final gift was from Duke, Spearchucker, and Trapper. They all got him a basket filled with all kinds of liquor and booze and a huge portrait of all four of them sitting in The Swamp playing poker. Like the picture of dogs playing poker and Trapper took a picture of the portrait and told Hawkeye he sent it to Big Benjy for safekeeping. Hawkeye thanked everyone for throwing together a birthday party in such a jiffy.

After having the eleventh martini and on his third glass of scotch and his second piece of cake he got up on the table and had help from falling off the table Hawkeye proposed a speech.

"My comrades, friends, enemies, patients, and whatever you are, Frank." Hawkeye said pointing at Frank. Everyone laughed at Hawkeye's action. "Thank you for coming. It's a special day. For you people over there that is drunk, it's my birthday day. We have been in the war for for sometime now. We've been shelled, drunk, and we fought over one another and at sometime or another went of Henry's head." Everyone quieted down and chuckled. "We have been far from our love ones, our animals, our friends, and our real food, no offense Igor. At one time or another you have come to see the war face-to-face or far away. We have operated in the dark and found our way out. We have been in the worst and have found our way out. We have turned to each other even enemies such as Frank and I. Hopefully before my next birthday the war will end or everyone will be ok. So I serve a toast to a good war and hopefully no one gets wounded as far as tired." Hawkeye said holding up his martini glass and Radar, Trapper, and Henry passed around shots of scotch and rye. Everyone toasted and drank. "Amen." Hawkeye said. "Amen!" everyone else said Father saying it twice.

After the party Hawkeye and Trapper filled up the new liquor cabinet and put key chains on the keys and a new nail for a key chain holder in the wood and stapled Hawkeye's cards onto the wood and all over the tent. Duke and Spearchucker set up the new poker table and sat down. Hawkeye down, but not out and drunk sat down to play. They decided to not give Hawkeye his new key until in the morning. They didn't play with money because Duke and Hawkeye were really drunk and didn't want to take away money to the birthday boy and his trusty minion, Duke. Trapper put Hawkeye to bed and tied Duke to his cot because he wouldn't stop trying to eat the white chips for poker. Trapper pulled out a blue, yellow, green, and red key chain.

"Spearchucker, which color, red or green?" Trapper asked holding up the two colors and Spearchucker put his letter down and looked.

"Uh, red, booze monkey can have green." Spearchucker said and Duke groaned. Trapper put Hawkeye's key on the blue key chain. Trapper put his on the yellow and Spearchucker red and Duke green. He put them on the new nail that was on the wooden support pole. Hawkeye was fast asleep with him still hold the cards in his hand and the paper party hat on his hat. Trapper during the night decided to bring the still back in The Swamp. Spearchucker, Radar, and Klinger helped bring it in and set it up. Klinger brought the suit and put it in his tent so it doesn't wrinkle on a hanger. Trapper said it was ok and they bid farewell. Trapper after having a martini turned off the light and went to bed. Trapper noticed that Hawkeye didn't open his letters from Crabapple Cove and was going to remind him.

In the morning, Hawkeye woke up first from the first song on the intercom. He sat up holding his head and pulling down the flaps of the tent. Quietly he pulled out the letter opener and took out the letters. He tore one open and read it. It was from his neighbor. Then next thirty were all from people he operation on or he didn't know or his neighbors. He laid them all in a pile on his table next to the still. Then next twenty-three were from his family. His sister, Big Benjy, uncles, aunts, cousins, and so on for a long time. He read them until Trapper John woke up without a hang over and Frank also woke up a little after Trapper. Trapper helped Hawkeye tack the letters all over the tent. By lunch time they were fully dressed, the Swamp looked like a editors office, Radar and Klinger were still carrying boxes full of cans and trash, and Duke and Spearchucker were still sleeping.

"Lazy drunks." Trapper said.

"Want to talk about you, darling?" Hawkeye shot back.

"Uh, no, let's get some lunch."

"What's for lunch?"

"Left over ribs, M*A*S*H potatoes, and corn casserole surprise."

"What's the surprise?" Hawkeye said and Duke's eye slowly opened.

"That it's actually hot and edible."

"I should've guessed." Duke slowly rose and threw a boot at Hawkeye and then threw a football at Trapper. Then furiously thrashed and held his head under the pillow.

"Fine, Duke, don't have to be like that, booze weasel." Hawkeye yelled into Duke's pillow and Trapper lifted up the pillow. Duke held his head in agony and slapped Hawkeye and tapped Trapper in the chest.

"Lazy bum." Hawkeye said walking out and Trapper smiling and took the pillow on Duke's head and ran out the door. Duke threw his other boot at the Swamp door and woke up Spearchucker.

Trapper and Hawkeye waiting to see what happened next sat by the door looking through the window. Spearchucker threw a boot at Duke's back. Duke woke up and threw the pillow at Spearchucker. Spearchucker grunted and threw a baseball. Duke woke up and threw a dart. Then slowly realized what he threw. Spearchucker dodged and landed only a few inches from his chest.

"You crazy white moron!" Spearchucker yelled.

"Well, Spearchucker then you need to know some new lessons, uh?" Duke said facing face-to-face to Spearchucker looking up. Spearchucker started wrestling Duke to the ground. Trapper and Hawkeye laughed and walked to the Mess Tent. Everyone kept running to the Swamp peeking into the window seeing the surgeons go at it with fist and knocking over their own cots. Hawkeye and Trapper got the Mess tent and had themselves a great helping and for dessert they had left over cake. Trapper's piece of cake was some medical sign and Hawkeye got a word that said key. They sat by themselves. They looked outside and saw Father pulling out Duke with a really bloody face. Two privates and Henry Blake had Spearchucker by the arms and Spearchucker's vein on his neck bolded out. Hawkeye looked at Trapper and dropped their coffee. Hawkeye's mug broke on the ground.

"Let me at him. That freak is dead!" Spearchucker repeated. Spearchucker almost free and Trapper nursing Duke by looking at all the bruises and deep cuts. Spearchucker got loose and went straight toward Duke. Blood dripping from his fist and ready for more. Hawkeye pushed Spearchucker backward and he caught his balance and went for Hawkeye. Hawkeye winded up his fist and knocked Spearchucker right in the knock out spot on his head. The privates and Henry carried Spearchucker away. Trapper and Hawkeye lifted up Duke and carried him to post-op for stitches and bandages. Spearchucker was carried off to the empty closet in the supply room. It was the only lockable room in the unit. Radar pulled up a chair and waited. Everyone knew that nobody could hurt Radar O'Reilly, because he was the most innocent in the camp. Trapper kept sponging Duke's face.

"We both know we should've stopped that fight, Hawk." Trapper said.

"Don't remind me." Hawkeye said stitching the last stitch on Duke's forehead.

"Trapper go get a martini with two, counting, two olives." Hawkeye said putting up two fingers then taking off his gloves. Trapper spun out the door and came back less then a minute later with three martinis. One for Hawkeye, one for Trapper, and one for Duke and they cheered themselves, holding up Duke's for him. Hawkeye held Duke's head back and Trapper spilled in the martini in Duke's mouth and wiped the excess. Duke coughed and banged him foot on the floor wide-eyed.

"That is one dry martini!" Duke said. "Where's Spearchucker."

"I knocked him out cold Duke, we should've stopped the fight." Hawkeye said drinking some martini.

"Well, it's ok, Hawk." They cheered as they had two martinis each. Spearchucker woke later that day and apologizing for his actions and so did Duke. Hawkeye had a very merry birthday and the war isn't interfering at all.

The End