Rating: PG

M*A*S*H “Hope and Hawkeye” By Racan Souiedan ACT ONE FADE IN: EXT. CAMP – NIGHTFALL Hawkeye and Trapper step out of the Operating Room after a long session in surgery. Hawkeye kicks a few stones dejectedly while Trapper looks up at the sky in disbelief. They begin slowly walking across the camp towards the Swamp. TRAPPER (Holding his arms up in shock) There’s no justice! What happened to our beautiful sunny day? HAWKEYE (Jokingly) The war, silly! Twelve hours in surgery, and that’s the third time this week! Leave it to Harry Truman and Kim Il-Sung to spoil a perfectly good party. TRAPPER (Sarcastically) And this used to be such a great neighbourhood until all those wounded started showing up. You know, we’re never gonna get all that blood out of our khaki drapes. HAWKEYE (Putting his arm around Trapper excitedly) Well, the night is young, my rugged comrade. Where to? The officer’s club? The hole in the nurse’s shower? Rest assured that no matter the day’s toil, there’s a thirst-quenching nightcap out there with our weary names on it. TRAPPER Pass. I wanna clock about eight hours of solid sack time before the next batch of casualties shows up. Around here, when it rains, it pours. HAWKEYE Buckets! I guess I might as well join you. Misery loves misery, after all. (Getting frustrated) There’s nothing to do around here anyways but wait for Mr. Police Action to show up with the next batch of human suffering. They pass a few nurses in uniform on the way, along with other assorted Army personnel and approach the Swamp. Trapper holds the door open and ushers for him and Hawkeye to enter. TRAPPER On to yonder cot! INT. SWAMP – CONTINUOUS Radar walks in with a handful of letters to deliver. RADAR (Sounding official) Mail call! Hawkeye and Trapper swarm him excitedly, and immediately begin leafing through the pile. Radar watches them with irritation. RADAR (Angrily) Hey! You can’t do that! Some of those belong to Major Burns. TRAPPER (Looking at a couple of letters from Major Burns’ wife) Yeah, and you’ve already opened them! Radar turns away in embarrassment. HAWKEYE (Kissing him excitedly on the cheek) Radar, you’re a godsend. You’ve just delivered us a sacred boon from boredom. The night is saved! Radar smiles until he notices Hawkeye and Trapper’s faces abruptly sink. HAWKEYE (Disappointed) Wait a minute, Radar. There’s nothing but junk here. It’s just bills and magazines. TRAPPER (Looking at his collection of mail) Me too. (Heading for his bed) Oh well, no need to keep the sandman waiting. RADAR (Countering) Hey, that’s not true, Hawkeye. You’ve got a perfectly good issue of Nudist’s Quarterly in there. Trapper sits up, curious to see Hawkeye’s new magazine. HAWKEYE (Leafing through with disinterest) It’s just the same old same old with them. Nude golf, nude tennis, nude volleyball…I’ve had about all I can take of the human form. Mangled, mutilated, wounded… Even nakedness is getting tiresome. (To Trapper) Can you believe I’m saying that? There’s just nothing to do around here! He throws the magazine at the door in disgust, which falls to Radar’s feet, just as Major Burns walks in from the shower. BURNS (Yelling) Pierce, what’s the meaning of this?! (Picking up the magazine from the ground) It’s not enough that you subscribe to this filth, but you have to try and force it on others as well? HAWKEYE Come on, Frank, we both know that Radar’s got to eventually learn about the birds and the bees. Part of being a good doctor is showing the young and impressionable how to play doctor. Trapper snickers as Radar blushes. BURNS McIntyre! You keep your grins to yourself (looking at Radar), and Corporal, you ought to know better. Now get out of Officer’s Country before I put you on KP duty with Privates Straminsky and Goldman! TRAPPER (Jokingly) That’s not much of a threat, Frank. One look through that magazine and he’ll probably love the idea of being surrounded by a bunch of privates! Hawkeye laughs uncontrollably. Radar leaves nervously. Frank ignores both doctors and walks towards the mirror, situated centre tent, where he starts shaving and combing his hair. HAWKEYE (Curiously) Who are you getting all gussied up for, Frank? Planning to finally make a move on MacArthur tonight? I hear he’s been sending you all the right artillery signals. Frank throws his arms down angrily. BURNS Hardy har, Captain Court-Martial. Not that it’s any of your business, but as it just so happens, I’m meeting with Major Houlihan tonight… (realizing his indiscreet reveal of his plans) to discuss the latest duty roster. She’s asked for my input and I plan to be as thorough as possible. TRAPPER (Winking at Hawkeye) I’m sure. That oughta be some input, Frank. Gee, Hawk, wish we had a couple of nurses to look over the duty roster with later. BURNS Oh, pull your mind up from your bootstraps, McIntyre. Don’t you two have anything better to do than swill gin and bother your second-in-command? HAWKEYE The only thing you’re second-in-command of around here is dishing out Purple Hearts. TRAPPER (Agreeing) and I hear you’re gaining on North Korea mighty quick, Frank. Frank just shakes his head in bewilderment. HAWKEYE Besides, Frank, the nurses around here are… (looking to Trapper for inspiration) TRAPPER Old hat? Played out? Well-worn? HAWKEYE All of the above and then some. And boring right down to the combat boots, just like everything else around here. Who are we kidding? We’re just going through the motions at this point, and even that’s getting tiresome. TRAPPER (A pair of nurses walk past the tent and he hangs his head in dismay) Who’d have thought? This is like a bad dream. HAWKEYE (Continuing on) When I look at the nurses I can’t see their buxom bodies for their olive drab, khaki uniforms. I can’t see the nurses for the M*A*S*H, I can’t see… BURNS (Interrupting) Enough! You think I care to hear about the mess you’ve both made for yourselves by your own promiscuity. I’m a happily married man. Tell it to the next guy, both of you. HAWKEYE Believe me, there’s no next guy, Frank. If we’re unloading our troubles to you then we’ve already hit rock bottom. TRAPPER Yeah, and a trap door opened. BURNS (Storming out of the tent) You both sicken me! Trapper looks at Hawkeye in amusement. TRAPPER Gee, what’s eating him? HAWKEYE He’s probably just itching to sink his teeth into that duty roster with Hot Lips, which is more than I can say for the two of us. INT. MESS TENT - LATER Klinger is wearing a dress and serving food to camp personnel. Blake and Radar are receiving their meals. Radar is eagerly taking everything offered to him, while Blake is steadily putting all of his food right back into the assorted steel compartments. KLINGER (Noticing Blake’s disinterest in the food) I would’ve thought my Scarlett O’Hara would whet your appetite, Sir. BLAKE I’m afraid you’re only making my appetite bone dry, Klinger. (Looking disgusted at Radar’s massive tray) Why do you eat this stuff, Radar? RADAR (Defensively) I’m a growing Corporal, sir. BLAKE (Emphasizing his point) So why do you eat this stuff, Radar? Blake and Radar sit at a nearby table. Hawkeye and Trapper walk in, grab their trays, and approach Klinger. HAWKEYE (Impressed at Klinger’s dress) Looking good, Klinger! KLINGER (Smiling broadly) Finally, some appreciative customers. What’ll you have, oh famished healers. TRAPPER (Pointing at an item) I’ll just grab the meatloaf, Klinger. HAWKEYE …before it grabs you! It’s eat or be eaten with this grub. Klinger fixes Trapper’s tray and looks to Hawkeye. KLINGER What about you, Captain? Care to take a walk on the wild side? Hawkeye lights up at the thought of trying something completely new. HAWKEYE (Pounding his fist on the counter) You’re brilliant, Klinger, that’s just what I need! Something exotic, something new. Fix me a mystery tray. Trapper groans with nausea. KLINGER (Playing along) We’ve got mystery and intrigue for you in spades, Captain! In fact, there might even be a spade somewhere in the tuna casserole. (Trailing off) Or, maybe that was just a trowel. Hawkeye turns his back as Klinger dishes up his food. KLINGER (Unveiling his creation) Voila! I give you, the ‘appetite for reconstruction,’ perfect for the hungry surgeon. TRAPPER (Jokingly) More like the ‘appetite for combustion.’ That thing looks like it could go up in flames any minute! HAWKEYE Perfect, Klinger, you’d a godsend. I’m sure whatever this is it’ll be better than the usual cruspects. Klinger smiles with approval. Hawkeye and Trapper sit down with Blake and Radar. Hawkeye and Trapper are just about to begin eating when Radar stands, listening to a sound in the distance. HAWKEYE (Fearful of Radar’s body language) Oh no, not again! RADAR (Ignoring Hawkeye) Choppers! Incoming wounded! Radar runs outside to begin alerting the camp. Blake stands with fatigue and stretches his tired back. BLAKE Oh well, boys, it’s show time. Hawkeye looks dejected, and tries to take one bite out of his food, but Trapper quickly pulls his fork away. TRAPPER Come on, Hawk, this is our meal ticket away from another lousy meal. EXT. TRIAGE - CONTINUOUS Frank, Hawkeye, Blake, and Trapper run to the chopper pad and begin performing triage on the wounded. Major Margaret Houlihan and several of her nurses are there to assist them. HAWKEYE (Looking over a badly hurt soldier) This one’s been hit bad in the chest. Might be a punctured lung. I’ll take him first. MARGARET Yes, doctor. BLAKE (Keeping a watchful eye on Frank) What have you got there, Frank? FRANK (Clearly Stressed) Nasty leg wound. Might need to amputate. BLAKE (To Trapper) McIntyre, can you handle this one? (Pointing to a less intensive case) Frank, that private over there took some shrapnel in his left arm. Get in there and patch him up. McIntyre can take care of the leg. FRANK (Angrily) What, you think I can’t save his leg? BLAKE (Sighing) That’s not what I said. Come on, Frank, we don’t have time for this. TRAPPER Yeah, Frank, we’re all tired. Let’s just do our job so we can ten minutes of shuteye before the intermission ends and we’re right back here doing this all over again. Frank reluctantly relents and he, Blake, and Trapper load up their patients into a waiting ambulance. The vehicle drives off towards the camp. INT. PRE-OP – CONTINUOUS The doctors scrub up for surgery with the assistance of Margaret. BLAKE Looks like just a handful today. I’ll get you boys out of here in time for supper. HAWKEYE (Jokingly) Gee, thanks dad! TRAPPER Now if only we had something to do after supper that didn’t involve twiddling our thumbs and watching paint dry. HAWKEYE I’d settle for twiddling my thumbs, but they quit my hands weeks ago. They couldn’t (emphasizing the pun) handle the boredom anymore! FRANK (Not amused) Hardy-har-har. When will you two wisenheimers grow up and realize there’s more to life than inane antics and silly shenanigans? Margaret nods with approval at Frank’s comment. TRAPPER (Impressed) Not bad, Frank, that was almost witty! HAWKEYE The soul of a poet and the hands of a jackhammer. Frank glares and sticks his tongue out at them through his surgical mask. BLAKE (Kicking the door to the Operating Room Open) Ok, let’s get this over with. The surgeons and Margaret walk into the Operating Room. INT. OPERATING ROOM – CONTINUOUS Klinger, Radar, and Father Mulcahy are seen carrying stretchers of wounded into the Operating Room. Nurses and the doctors are busily working. TRAPPER I’ll take that one, Father. MULCAHY Sure, Trapper. Is there anything I can do? TRAPPER Pray for his leg, Father. Father Mulcahy begins making a silent prayer as Trapper begins the operation. Hawkeye is sweating as he works aggressively on the soldier with the wounded chest, which catches the attention of Blake. BLAKE (Concerned) How’s it looking, Hawkeye? HAWKEYE Better, Henry. He’ll make it. (To Margaret) Can you finish for me, Major? MARGARET Yes, doctor. Margaret closes the wound. Hawkeye walks over to check on Trapper. HAWKEYE Can you save the leg, Trap? TRAPPER I think so. Looks like there’s enough of the artery left. Got a hand? Hawkeye helps Trapper apply a graft to the artery and save the soldier’s leg. Both doctors sigh with relief. Meanwhile, Frank is in a panic over his patient. FRANK (Yelling) Clamp! I said, clamp, nurse! NURSE (Biting her lip with frustration) You’re holding the clamp, doctor. FRANK (Realizing his mistake, but not backing down) Don’t talk back to me, Lieutenant! BLAKE That’s enough, Frank. Just take your time with those shell fragments. It’s nothing life threatening, so why get in a huff over it? Frank mumbles something to himself and goes back to work. Hawkeye and Trapper are closing up the leg wound, having successfully completed the operation. TRAPPER (Happily) Hey, hey! I just saved myself a leg. MULCAHY (Smiling broadly) Congratulations, Trapper! TRAPPER Thanks, Father! HAWKEYE Well, that’s one more limb that’ll stay where it rightfully belongs. BLAKE Good work, McIntyre. Now let’s finish up. INT. POST-OP – CONTINUOUS The doctors are sitting on a bench resting up after their session in surgery. They peel off their surgical gowns and gloves then throw them into a large laundry hamper. BLAKE Well, I’d say that wasn’t a bad day’s work. HAWKEYE Now if only we had some fun around here. Can’t you do something about that, Henry? TRAPPER Yeah, we’ve watched The Big Sleep every night for the past two weeks. At this point I’m about ready to take the big sleep. FRANK (Irritated) Pathetic. I’m sick of your griping! Don’t you get any satisfaction from the hard work and patriotic sacrifice that comes with giving to your country in its time of need? HAWKEYE Right now all the apple pies and American flags in the world wouldn’t even come close to making up for what I’ve put up with in this place. And listen, Frank, we don’t all have a bombshell like Hot Lips to tuck us in every night and convince us that the bombs outside are just a bunch of fireworks for the Fourth of July. FRANK (Screaming and throwing his surgical gown on the floor) That’s enough! Don’t you are call her that? (Calming down) Anyhooch, you’re mistaken, the major and I are just friends. TRAPPER (Sceptical) Sure, Frank, friends. You two lovebirds could turn the secret sleepover into an Olympic sport! Frank blushes, then rushes over to try and hit Trapper. Blake gets between them and stops a fight. BLAKE, (Holding Frank back) Ok, ok! Cool it, everybody. I know we’re all bored, stressed, and tired, but there’s not much I can do about that. I’m at the mercy of whatever entertainment supply sends over to us. Radar’s working his little buns off trying to get us some new movies, but give him a break, will ya? The other doctors begin relax. Frank and Trapper step away from each other. Hawkeye and Trapper still look rather despondent, though. BLAKE (Pointing at the two doctors) Don’t give me that look, Pierce…McIntyre. (Throwing his arms) All right, would you settle for a poker game tomorrow night? Maybe by then Radar’ll have a lead on some new films. TRAPPER (Clapping his hands together) Now that’s more like it! HAWKEYE (Rushing over to kiss BLAKE on the cheek) Henry, it’d be an honour to take your money. BLAKE (Sighing) That’s what I was afraid of. FADE OUT.